I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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