I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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