so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
