We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
