don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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