Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
