some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need to calm my uterus...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
