I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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