Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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