omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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