Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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