If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
