There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
