I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
