so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
