you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
