guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
