my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Randomize
