At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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