The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
