i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
