I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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