My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
