ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
