We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
