what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im holly from the hills drunk
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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