Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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