I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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