she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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