there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
