i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
