the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
