I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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