I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
