I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
