i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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