The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
