and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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