Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
