I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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