Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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