I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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