I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
