Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
