Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
