so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
