it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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