They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
