I have demons in me.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
