So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
there is puke in my bra ... again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
