Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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